Issue Six January 1998
The Intro
I don't think many people around the school have had a good past month. Sincere condolences to those having a tough time. Please remember that we're always open to anything anybody wants to express. We're also still looking for people to work on this thing next year. So the big boot of censorshit (and expulsion) has struck again and Justin is gone. I guess we shouldn't expect anything, especially the rights that were gauranteed to me in that obsolete document that used to be our Constitution. I hope that the administration is happy they won. They have one less student to worry about excercising his right to free speech. My stomach was turned when they first expelled him, but I'm much sicker now that our justice system has upheld this insanity. So we go on now, in memory of the first. We're going to stick to a monthly schedule from now on. This is partially because we're looking for advertisers to help fund us. Remember that if you can't reach us on the net, you can send your submissions to our P.O. Box. Enjoy the issue!
This Guy is dumb
This guy is sitting in lunch. He sees the shiniest nickel ever. He swallows it. Halfway down it gets lodged. He is sitting with this lodged nickel inside him. All weekend he tries to get this nickel un-lodged. He ignores all his other life. He just sits around thinking about his nickel. In the meantime this other guy goes out and enjoys his girlfriend. When the nickel finally gets out, through painful methods, he goes to see his girlfriend. However, before he can see her, he finds out his friend enjoys her. Now he just sits around licking his nickel. He thinks the nickel taste good. Now he likes to pass other things through his body to taste them. The tastiest things are marbles. He is sad on what he missed last weekend. Now every time that one guy sees him he laughs and verbelly demean him. He yells, "I got her and you didn't."
Hall Cows - A Big Problem
GHS has a very big problem with Hall Cows. Most people don't know what a Hall Cow is but you probably bumped into one or you are one. Hall Cows are the people that stand in the middle of the damn hallway (usually a group) and talk about stupid shit. This takes place in between classes, they clog up the hallway making it hard as hell to get through. Example- 4 girls are standing near the math hallway talking about how some girl screwed some guy. I could really care less, I just want them to move their big ghetto booties out of they way so people can get through! I'm not being sexist, guys do this stuff too. It's great that people talk to their friends, but dammit do it somewhere else. Some people actually need to go somewhere and they can't because there are Hall Cows everywhere!! My suggestions are:
- If a Hall Cow gets in the way, push them.
- Tell them to move. (Politely or yell at them.)
- Start a mosh pit! Woohoo!
- Take a small kid and ram them through the hall.
If you are a known Hall Cow here are my suggestions to you:
- Go to class and talk.
- Get the hell out of the way.
- Get you ass ran over.
Please help fight against the Hall Cows!!!
Thanks-ZeroCom
Advanced Physics: Another View
By Melinda Carothers
After reading the comments about my Advanced Physics class in your last issue, I felt compelled to respond. My purpose in doing so is not a matter of self defense, but more of an explanation of a philosophy that is clearly different from that of the anonymous author. First let me say that I have no problem with a student disagreeing with my policies, methods, or opinions. In fact, I was happy to see that the author was able to keep the discussion on the level of a professional difference of opinion, and did not allow the article to descend to the level of a professional personal attack, as has too often been the habit of this publication. As far as the course itself, I would like to point out that Advanced Physics is *not* an Advanced Placement (AP) course, and is therefore not run like one. This fact allows me a certain flexibility in the methods that I use to teach the material. I wish the author had kept a more open mind about the many methods a teacher can use to impart not only subject matter knowledge, but perhaps more importantly, useful life-skills such as communication, long term planning, and engineering a project from beginning to end. Over the past 15 years, I have found the projects and accompanying analysis that I require of my student to be enriching, mind-broadening experiences, and I stand by my curriculum, and my methods. I certainly wouldn’t waste my or my students' time if I didn't think the activities were valuable.
There seems to be one more area in which the author and I differ in philosophy. If I feel strongly enough about something to spend time writing about it, I make sure to sign my name.
The Workplace
I will now bring into this publication a new facet to be debated upon...the workplace. I work in a great place, with great co-workers. I will not reveal my workplace for fear of no one shopping there, thus causing my co-workers and I to lose our jobs as a result of the antics to follow. This is mostly about how much fun can be had at a job. If you have difficulties, I will give you some tips. Try to have contests with the employees to see who can put the most products onto the display. I saw in a grocery store once a potato display stacked to the ceiling. A customer pulled out a bag and the display crushed her. Another funtime activity is to see how long you can talk about a customer in their presence before they realize you are talking about them. For example "Oh yeah, her butt is twice as big as the candy display!" and "The cellulose on her legs looks like curdling milk!" The sad thing is, most customers would be unaware that they are the object of criticism. Yet another amusing activity is to take pieces of produce and throwing them violently against a wall for the sake of watching it splatter. Or for the pure enjoyment of being violent. It may sound crazy, but it is truly fun. If you happen to be in a playfully violent mood, try throwing food at your co-workers when they aren't looking, or, if you have balls, do it while the store is packed and risk hitting a customer, which will make you laugh uncontrollably, giving you away as the culprit.
Incorporating sports into working time is always a winner. Making strange noises in the presence of customers will always gather a laugh. When you leave the stock room and enter the main part of the store, quack like a duck intermittenly.
The most harmful, yet stress relieving fun time is just swearing at a customer until they cry. For example "You whore, if you take one more shoelace off that rack, I'll tell your husband about those nightly sexual bathroom visits with the dog.
Overall, causing havoc and making emotional abuse practice makes for a great time at the workplace.
Confined
A cold wind chills the prison isle
Freedom beyond the water, idles
Through the tunnel dug with a spoon
To meet a frigid beckoning doom
Darkness covers the inner-city
Walk the streets recieve no pity
In the day he earnedhis pay
To pay for poison for his veins
The carnival settles to a gentle close
Side show freaks in dirty clothes
Walls of air, no place to go
She ran away and can't go home
He daren't say the words "Good bye"
Sobbing threats of suicide
Fears of guilt inside his head
bamming rivers flowing red
Sickness steals away your health
Moving with surprising stealth
In your bed you waste away
Dreaming of a better day
Happiness and puppet shows
Secret pain that no one knows
Hidden bruses on her arms
Deep inside mental scars
He knows their wrong and he is right
Serve, protect, and fight the fight
Ause of power among his peers
Code of silence, brings him fears
In the desert you can't escape
The humid heat and your mistakes
The night time brings it's arctic cold
Lost regrets and dreans of home
Massive buildings reach the shy
Lasting oath that never dies
The dotted line, a devils work
In fine print the danger lurks
All around the calm blue sea
Not a speck of land to see
Placed apon a floating cell
Daylight spews a burning hell
Orders given and obeyed
People helpless in the bay
Do as you're told and nothing else
Never try to think yourself
Respect
When I decided to write this article, I thought for a long time on the best way to approach such a sensitive subject, you can judge for yourself wether or not I have done it justice here. The death of Brandon Storey was a loss for many people, and I simply don't have the right words to express my sympathy for all those who knew him. I knew him vaguely, we had spoken a few times some years ago, but I did not know him well enough to feel comfortable attending his funeral, so I did not go. I was infuriated later on, after I had heard that a good number of people had used the excuse of attending the funeral for the sole purpose of escaping classes. Being a cynic by nature, I have come to expect dissapointing things from my fellow humans, but my disgust was raised to a new level here. How could these people take advantage of someone's death like this? It served as an explicit display of the most cold and evil parts of human thought and action. Think for a moment, all of you who skipped out to the funeral, about your family, about your friends. What if it had been someone that you had deeply loved and cared about lying in that coffin? How do you think his parents feel about the loss of their son? How could you so blatantly desecrate his funeral, without even giving a thought to how his loved ones might feel? How can you do a thing like that and stand to look at yourselves in the mirror??? Upon discovering what a cold and unfeeling person you are by examining these questions, you might make the pitiful attempt to justify your actions by saying that you had talked to him once, or seen him in the hall. Well, I knew him in that fashion, but you didn't see me at the funeral because I didn't belong there. I knew my place, and there was nothing I could have done to help his family and friends by attending his funeral. I had no consolation to give, other than the fact that I was sorry to hear of his death. I could not share in happy memories with them in an attempt to relieve the pain, the emptiness of loss. But you people went anyway. Lie to yourselves about your intentions and cut class if you must, but don't insult his family and friends by having the audacity to show up at his funeral. For once in your lives realize that their are other people in this world, and they do not need their suffering compounded by your selfish ignorance. For those of you that knew him and miss him, please accept my heartfelt condolences. For those of you that this article addresses, I hope you realize that your selfish actions were indeed in extremely poor taste, and your lack of respect for human life truly saddens and sickens me.
Death of A Student
He came to my lunch table once. This revelation only came to me after looking up his picture in my 96-97 yearbook. All I had was a name read over the announcements that morning, and for lack of a student directory , i had to thumb through the junior section before i found him among the sophmores.
Then something hit me, and i started thinking about death. Not that I am a stranger to the thought of death, when i remember that we die I tend to think about it obsessively. I usually thing about what it would be like for my parents, siblings, and most of all me, dying. However, I have never thought about the death of a stranger or someone i was reletively indifferent to. Until Brandon's demise. Everyone else who has died around me I have at least known in some facet, and the ones i haven't are too many and incomprehencable. I recognized him, I knew he was in ROTC, and he seemed nice when talking to his friend at the lunch table last year, but I really didnt know him in any way. The next day I began looking for him in the hall, not in a psycho "he's still alive" kind of way, but I was noticing a certain emptiness. He was not there to accidently bump into. He was not there to stop at his locker. He was not in line for lunch. One of hundreds of people could've taken these positions, but i began to feel a loss. I did not have any obvious things to contend with, not an empty desk nor a broken roll-call. I wasn't even sure i ever passed him in the hall. Is it better for me to have known him? I can only imagine the tremendous loss his loved-ones feel. What about now? I have probably not spoken a word to 90% of the students in school! Will one of them die tomorrow? Will I? My junior picture was horrible.. I hope this has helped you put a finger on some of the feelings any of you have had. My condolences to the family and friends of Brandon, I wish i knew him better. I just heard Mrs. Statler died. All of the above applies. I'm really bummed now. I'm going to sleep.
-Asbestos made flesh
4th Grade Essay: Why I Want To Be President?
by: Markie Smitty
Why I want to be president? I want to be president, because I want to be in charge. I want to be in charge, because no one in my class likes me. If i become president they would all be afraid of me because I'll be the president and I can have them killed. At least that's what my daddy says, but mommy says he really isn't my daddy. But I really want to be president because he can lie. If I lie my mommy beats my whacky ass. Also the presidant gets all the girls he wants and whichever way he wants. I know I tried to slip my girlfriend Carrie the tongue and she cracked me upside the head with an aluminum baseball bat. That's why I want to be presidant.
All Hail The Mighty Goomba!!!
Whore-o-Scope
ARIES (March 21-April 19):
Find bitch -> get laid.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20):
Join the merchant marine and discover your latent desire for protecting the world's bastard corporate entities.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20):
You know you want it. Come and ride my bologna pony, baby!
CANCER (June 21-July 22):
You really shouldn't stick that there. What if you lose it inside?
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22):
Don't try and hide your latent homosexuality by joining a radically conservative right wing group. (Republican)
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
You must be careful how you handle the personal partner. Take it from someone who knows.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
Clean, Lube, Protect: Three very important words.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
Do not accept challenges from anyone, because you're pathetic and you'll never win.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21):
Put it away. It isn't that special.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19):
Thrust no one, especially your friends, loser.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
Enjoy your friend's girl, a lot.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20):
Relieve that anal pressure. Drop ass.
The Rants of Bondgrrl
New Cabinet Position Available: Weenie Watcher
This shouldn't surprise me as much as it does. Clinton's accused of having another affair. He must
really be steamed. He hasn't even finished denying his involvement in the horizontal bopping of Paula
Jones, and now he's got to contend with this buxom White House intern, Monica Lewinsky. I get the
impression that most of America doesn't know what to think. Is it really true? If so, is this alleged
indescretion and subsequent denial under oath any different than Paula, Whitewater, Asian campaign
donors, Socks' catnip binges (just making sure you were still paying attention)? I think so. I'll explain
to you:
This one's more believable than Paula Jones, or Gennifer Flowers. If you find yourself wondering why,
dig up a picture of each one of these gals. Notice how much younger and more attractive Lewinsky is.
Is it worth risking your political campaign to stare at Paula Jones's nose for any length of time?
A sex scandal is easier for the laycitizen to understand. Whitewater? Asian campaign fund surplus?
Hell, with thousands of documents and millions of dollars in question, I'd fuck something up too! An
affair? Everyone understands how sex works (unless you're Al Gore). Very easy to understand, no
matter how bad your math skills are.
Now, we just have to dust off our dictionaries and relearn the word impeachment.
The Shit List
In no particular order, I present to you a continually-expanding list of people who piss me off. Considering I don't get
furious very easily, I wouldn't recommend putting me in the same room with any of these people.
Dallas Cowboys (and anyone who works for them or likes them): Here's a group of people who exploit just about
everyone, including God, for personal and monetary gain. Not cool.
Bill Gates: Monopolies are not conducive to capitalism, pal. Apparently, they're conducive to acquiring enough money to buy
the entire continent.
OJ Simpson and all other domestic abusers: The arrogance of this guy. Chop up your ex-wife and an innocent bystander
and then go golfing with a smirk on your face. Time to learn about something the rest of us call respect. Violence is never
acceptable.
Dick Gephardt: He says that those with money have a moral obligation to share it. I don't know about you, but I resent
being told how do spend my money, especially some liberal hypocrite. What arrogance.
Technical Support Departments: The Bangles cover song "Where Were You When I Needed You?" comes to mind. Did it
ever occur to these companies that if the lines are so busy you can't even get put on hold, maybe they should hire more help.
After all, they are selling highly expensive, highly technical, and highly bewildering equipment to novices. Of course we're going
to have questions that the non-helpful manual doesn't answer.
Health Insurance Companies: I thought that people in the health care industry were supposed to care about the well-being
of people. Well, not insurance companies. You want preventative care? You can pay for it yourself! Want prescription birth
control covered? No, we'd rather pay for an unwanted pregnancy. You mean mental health is just as important as physical
health? Not to them. They say "screw you. We're taking your money and giving you shit in return. Because we don't care if you
go broke paying for ineligible care, or if you live or die. In fact, it would be cheaper if you'd die, so if you wouldn't mind..."
Jenny McCarthy OK, let me get this straight. First, you get a boob job, then pose for Playboy. Then, after it lauches your
career as a talking Kung-Fu Barbie, you denounce it all. Wake up call, Jen! If it wasn't for Playboy, you wouldn't have a thing!
(Which consists of a few thousand adolescent males staring at your tits, not admiring your acting ability)
