Issue Ten September 1998
The Intro
So I guess school has started again. Glory be to those who have made it through. Pain and suffereing to the rest. Well obviously we are still stuck in Hell here with you. We do need those articles to keep coming in. We here at The Last would like any confusion of us being dead or non-existent to stop now. Not only are we up and running, but we're here to stay. We would like to stand up for ourselves for a minute here, and tell everyone that reads this, that we will never die. So if you thought The Last was dead, and stopped writing, good news! You can start writing again! Remember that we have an email and snail mail address. Anything you can send is graciously accepted. (Cash accepted also!!!)
Rage
The cheerleaders clap and jump in slow motion. The crowds rise and shout. The football flies through the air like a bird and lands so softly in his arms. The people scream his name, chanting his number. I sit on the outside. I don't make a sound. In my mind, you could hear a pin drop. Everything is on a time-lapse camera. I am the editor.
He runs past the 40, the 30.... My eyes crease with hatred. The 20....... My teeth are bared. The 10...... I fly to my feet and the power flows through me. It sears my eyes and is shot at him. He falls on his face. His knees are bent in the wrong direction. Blood runs down his calfs. The crowd falls silent.
People rush to him, some in a rage, some terrified. I just stand, smiling ever so slightly. Screams slice the air into millions of slivers. Sirens ring. And all is silent for me. I see mouths and faces twist in horror, but hear nothing.
His eyes......so afraid...It only makes me crave his blood even more....Like he loved mine. That night, one year ago today. I shrieked and cried. The more I fought the more he hit. I kicked and he broke my legs. He tore off my clothes. "Stop! Please! Oh God!" But he didn't hear me. God didn't listen. He left me broken, bruised, bleeding, and dying. He got up and walked away.
An angel came. My legs were healed. But my vengence wasn't. So now I fight and kill. I torture those who carelessly rape the innocent.
Run, my little football star. But you can not escape!
Freshman take note
Hello Freshman,
Well now that your in the big house there are a few things you should know. First of all, yes there is a pool on the third floor. It's is open to freshman only, so please take advantage of it while you can. Second, yes we will be selling elevator keys for the low, low, price of $5 a piece, get your hands on them while they last. Third, freshman kill day is every friday until the end of the year, so run, you little freshman piggies, run!!! Fourth, DO NOT SIT ON THE SIDE OF THE LUNCH ROOM WITH DOORS, you will be injured. Fifth, a bit of advice, kick the soda machine, it will work. Sixth, DO NOT STOP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HALL, YOU WILL BE RUN OVER....Seventh, you will refer to all upper classmen as, THE DIVINE MASTER, and you will answer to peon. Eighth, YOU WILL SIT UP FRONT ON THE BUSSES, for you have no choice. Now that we have a few things straight, I would just like to say, WELCOME TO HIGH SCHOOL HUNNIES!!
Hall Cows III
I would like to thank whoever wrote the original hall cows article. I just want all the freshmen to know what a hall cow is. It is a person who stands in the middle of the hallway between class changes and prevents some people from getting to their class quickly. If you need to converse between classes please move to the side of the hall so others can pass. Thank you.
Explosion
Explosions are hot
Explosions are cool
I like to watch them
When they go boom
No one should get hurt
No one should be maimed
Just a big fireball
So we can all watch the flame
The fireball goes high
High into the air
Lights up the sky
Like a huge flair
Finally it ends
almost to soon
just wait for some more
another gas main will go BOOM!
Broken Hearted
He held me and said, "You know I will
always love you."
He then promised he would always be
there to help me through.
Then he continued and said, "I just want
to be friends."
With those words, my world had come
to an end.
As a tear ran down my face, I told
him to go away.
"Please leave, I don't want you to stay."
He walked away and left me there crying.
Felt my heart slowly dying.
Your heart is heavy, filled with sorrow.
There is hope for a new tomorrow.
The memories will always be there to
stay.
But the pain will slowly go away
He had broken your loving heart.
You have to go and find the missing
part.
Then your tears will slowly begin to
dry.
Trust that your world has not yet
died.
I had wished on every star
in the moonlit sky,
That it would always be you
and I.
I had prayed to a God I
never even knew...
Hoping that it would always be
just me and you.
I had believed our love would
be able to withstand it all.
But I guess, even the toughest
sometimes have to fall.
I know your heart is heavy,
filled with sorrow.
But believe me, there is hope for a
tomorrow.
I know the memories will always
stay...
But the pain will slowly go
away.
I know that he had broken your heart,
But you have to go and find the
missing part.
Your tears will slowly begin to dry.
And trust that your world has not
yet died.
-To: Mike
-By: Bright Angel
-(Alhthough we aren't together
anymore, I want you to
know that I still love you.
I will always love you.)
Dumb Guy III
Yes, the recurring story of the dumb guy is back. You may remember the story with his nickel a few issues ago. Well he wants me to clarify that these stories are not truthful and are intended for fun. So here we go! First, he quit his job. He wasn't doing much there anyway so it doesn't matter that he quit. Next, he moved to a different house with this chick. However, it isn't an improvement compared to where he was. Finally, he is in school, again, and not enjoying it still. Nothing major has happened, but I am positive something horribly bad will happen soon.
Attitude is everything
Jerry was the kind of guy you love to hate. He was always in a good mood and always had something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!"
He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had followed him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason the waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.
Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?"
Jerry replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, 'Jerry, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood.' I choose to be in a good mood."
"Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life."
"Yeah, right, but it's not that easy," I protested.
"Yes it is," Jerry said. "Life is all about choices."
"When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good or bad mood. The bottom line: it's your choice how you live life."
I reflected on what Jerry said.
Soon thereafter, I left the restaurant industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it. Several years later, I heard that Jerry did something you are never supposed to do in a restaurant business: he left the back door open one morning and was held up at gunpoint by three armed robbers. While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness, slipped off the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him.
Luckily, Jerry was found relatively quickly and rushed to the local trauma center. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body.
I saw Jerry about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?" I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the robbery took place.
"The first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door," Jerry replied. "Then, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live, or I could choose to die. I chose to live."
"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked.
Jerry continued, "The paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the emergency room and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read, 'He's a dead man.'" I knew I needed to take action. "What did you do?" I asked. "Well, there was a big, burly nurse shouting questions at me," said Jerry. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. ‘Yes,' I replied. The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply...I took a deep breath and yelled, Bullets!'"
Over their laughter, I told them, "I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead."
Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully.
Attitude, after all, is everything.
The Rants of Bondgrrl
I had a really swell job recently. I was an ophthalmic technician (that would be an eye doc's assistant) for a little over a year and had a blast. I loved the patients, I loved the doctors, and I loved the work. I even got used to the banker's hours (I was never a morning person). So what happened? My coworkers consisted of mostly baby boomers. Women. Very bad combination. All stereotypes aside, my experience with these women is as negative as the countless others I've heard from people my age. We just don't connect. They have their idea of human relations, and I have mine. They don't believe in civility, I do.
Take that scenario, apply it to about a dozen other jobs, social situations, relatives, government offices, and other assorted people and it adds up to a buzzkill of a situation and endless frustration for me. It seems that no one wants to see anyone else happy, especially if they're not. If they're unhappy in their job, they don't want to hear about how rewarding yours is. If they haven't gotten any since the 1960s, they'll assume your reproductive organs are collecting spider webs as well. If they're broke, you damn well better be too. Their motto seems to be "Misery loves company." They're the joykillers, and they're hell-bent on busting your bubble, raining on your parade, and killing your buzz.
The joykillers seem to really enjoy inflicting their gloom on all the happy people around them. They whine about how life has dealt them an unfair hand. They wonder how anyone could possibly be so sickeningly happy when their life sucks so bad. The only thing that seems to make them happy is being able spread their ill will to everyone and make them feel just as bad as they do.
David Shaw's 1996 book The Pleasure Police provides great insight into the efforts of our culture's most talented joykillers, from New York Times health columnist Jane Brody to man/sex-hating feminist Andrea Dworkin. If you're indulging in carnivorous and/or carnal pleasures, their mission has failed. Brody warns her readers that virtually everything they eat causes cancer, every physical activity could easily result in pain and suffering, and basically every well-intentioned or pleasurable act could accelerate your journey to impending doom. Dworkin tells us that sex with a man enables them to treat us as objects and humiliate us. One orgasm equals the loss of all dignity. No matter how much men appear to respect women, it's apparently all a charade to persuade them to become their psychological punching bags. So, all the great food I've eaten and all the great sex I've had is now my ticket to a life free of self-respect, followed by a premature death.
I need a drink.
Shaw quotes a sociologist friend, jaded by the thousands of studies meant to deter us from engaging in the very activities that make life a wonderful endeavor, as saying "Don't people realize every scientific study shows that the single best thing you can do for your health is have fun?" Let's applaud this man! Think about it: How many times have you been "worried sick," suffered stress headaches, or gotten stomach aches from emotional distress? It seems as though some people are happy when everyone else is unhappy.
They can all blow it out their asses. I'm gradually learning to adopt that as my philosophy and not let other people's probable jealousy interfere with my good time. So, you're not doing so hot on the relationship front? That's too bad, because mine's great. Hate your job? Not my problem! Think your life sucks? Well, get a damn therapist instead of trying to drag me down with you. With people like this, a laryngitis epidemic seems like a gift from God.
I've got some advice for the joykillers of the world: Get laid. If sex isn't your thing, get really wasted. Or maybe even eat something that doesn't have the words "fat free" on the label. You'll be a lot happier, and so will everyone around you. If you do take a couple years off your life, I guarantee it'll be worth it. Life was meant to be enjoyed, not to be spent bitching about your life and penalizing those who don't.
Reality
Look around and see . . .
Is this really me?
One who once was stroung,
Now, so confussed for so long.
Looking, seeing no paths,
Just the blanket of laughs
Covering up all the pain
That lingers in the world of the sane.
I like it planned, not free,
These choices are too difficult to see.
There is no guide, I am alone,
And scared, shaking to the bone.
How can I be prosicuted for my mistakes,
When no one is willing to help with what it takes?
-Daria Ophelia Amos
Fear
I don't think I understand it at all, even though it's already past and explained to me so many times. The water makes me nausiated with every cynical wave. It'sthe feeling of getting sucked in......so cold..........The little creatures swimming past me and no surface for me to swim to. The icy grip exhausting me of every last bit of air. Pressure on my lungs. My ears implode. My pupils bleed. My lungs inhale the death. So many people tell me that it's not to be feared. That I'm stupid for being so afraid. But I'm terrified of flushing.
How do I say goodbye
Is it with smile that we
should part,
But i would be leaving without
my heart,
Is it with a kiss we should
say goodbye
But never again could I
fly,
What about a simple gesture
as we both walk away,
But then could never again
face the day,
Do we leave in silence
and full of regret,
And wish each other
we wouldn't have met,
Do we even say goodbye
at all
-Myra Ellen-
"Peace, Music, and Faeries"
Why?
Should I try?
Should I care?
I wonder why I even dare.
I give my life,
I give my soul,
What do I get,
or Should I know?
I'm always there,
no matter what,
when your glad,
or out of luck,
I feel like a dart,
that just got stuck,
I'd try and try,
but still I'm stuck,
You get confused,
when I ask what's wrong,
and you never got what was going on.
I care so much,
for everyone
but what do I get?
No hello's and no good-byes,
just a feeling that I'm lonely inside.
You say you care,
but do you really?
It doesn't show
If you really care.
All I get,
are those sticks and stones,
the ones that love to brake your bones.
What ever happened to life being fair?
What happened to, "Well, I do care."
I give and give,
and all I get,
is that thought,
that you forgot,
what you were,
and what was taught.
Well, I cry and I try,
I care and I care,
I'll keep at it, hoping, and praying,
that someday, you will also be there.
Student Satisfaction Survey
When I first filled out this survey, which everyone got before the school year began, I never knew the possibilities of its power. Not that this survey will make much difference in how our school is run, but it's just funny as hell. Take for example this:
Over all, I satisfied that the principal understands the needs of GHS students. (This is the exact way it was typed too.) Overwhelmingly, only 266 out of 776 agreed with this statement. Now I am not surprised by this at all. I mean after making our school into a jungle, and having us write about volleyball in gym class, Dr. Kafka doesn't seem to know much about our needs.
In another part of the survey it asks us if we believed the people in the main office respect the students and help us meet our needs. Only 238 out of 776 agreed. I don't know how they can say that. After all they only told me I couldn't get my work permit for 2 days, even though they were just sitting around talking to each other.
When the survey went on to ask if they students think the principal is available at any given time, 140 students thought that she was. Now I know that a principal has a lot to do. After all she is running an entire school, but I think the needs of the students should come first. Afterall if their were no students, their would be no school.
Only 237 people out of 776 could see a relationship between what they are doing in school, and what they are doing in everyday life...
Now here is the one that I liked most: 628 people out of 776 said that students should be part of administrative decisions and dress codes. What a marvelous idea. I mean the school works kind of like a place of employment. The teachers and principals are like the managers, and the students are like the employees. Now in every job that I know of, the employees, have some say in what the conditions are that they work in. And I say we should too. I think the students should start a union and go on strike. That would be cool.
And finally, the survey asked if our teachers are competent. I sure hope they are!
Teenage View On Love
What is Love? Society has painted a picture of love that is rosy, sweet, and exciting at all times. But, in real life, love is something else. So what is it? That's a tough question. Love is one of those emotions that can be quite confusing and that can easily be confused with many other things. Love is also a mind set. So how does one go about figuring out love? Well, at this age, it is wise to know what you do know, and know what you don't know. I can't even begin to try and make a definition for love. Poets, writers, and lyricists, for centuries, have tried. Why should I, a love struck teenager, begin to try to write a one sentence definition? Love is too complicated and intricate for a "definition." What I can do is offer my point of view based on my experiences.
Believe it or not, at the age of 16 I met the love of my life. I know, I know. People say we are too young. People say we can't possibly know what love is or what it involves. People say we are only going to end up with broken hearts. (Yada, Yada, Yada.) I've heard it all. I know this is love. We have grown to be best friends. We open up to each other. I know him like I know myself. And he knows me. I like spending as much time as I can with him. By being with each other, we make each other so happy and so appreciative of life. I look at life so differently. I'm in awe of everything. I appreciate life more than I ever have. I'm happy with him, to the point of being intoxicated with him. But it is not always electrifying and breath taking like contemporary society proposes. Before I met him, I thought to myself that Prince Charming would sweep me off my feet and never hurt me. I thought that love would NEVER hurt, that it will always be happy, but sometimes it hurts, and sometimes it is happy. That's life. That's all a part of being in love. Being with him has taught me that. The love of your life can hurt you and then bring you to ecstasy in the next instant. Easily. Though he may not mean to, he can say something stupid, that can have you ignoring him for the rest of the night. Then, there are those times where everything he does is so cute. But like those nights where we are in complete bliss with each other, there are nights of excruciating emotional pain. Those are the nights where we cry until it hurts too much to cry. Those are the nights where we talk about the hurt caused by past mistakes. They were only mistakes. But, the mistakes caused a life to turn upside down and out. Those are the nights, where it hurts to look into the deep blue eyes that usually bring you to ecstasy. Those are the nights where it's hard to say, " I love you." But, this man has also helped me to learn to say, "I'm sorry." And he has taught me the meaning of forgiveness. Also, because of him, I have felt extreme joy and rapture, and with him I have also felt extreme pain and sorrow. I would not have it any other way. Before I met him, I was merely satisfied with life and satisfied with a menial existence on this earth. I was happy and I was sad, never really feeling with fervor. With him, I experience so many feelings of the spectrum, all with intensity.
Sometimes, I think it unfair that I met him at this age. The odds are piled up against us. What happens after high school? What happens after college? What happens if we are far away from each other? Are we being naive? Will we get in the way of our careers? What about the sex issue? There are so many questions and obstacles we have to face. We look towards the future and try to assess it and talk about it. We know that odds are against us, but we know that if we work together, we can accomplish our goals. We know that life can throw great obstacles at us, but as long as we stick together and love each other we will make it. I don't question it. I know it.
The best thing we do is communicate with each other. We open up to each other. We talk about our thoughts and feelings. There are nights where we talk on the phone until four in the morning connecting and sharing. I love talking to him. I feel so comfortable with him. I can tell him anything. And I have. And he has to me.
My point of view of love has changed tremendously since him. I learned that Love is not like the story of Cinderella and Prince Charming the way society would like us to see it. Love is not happily ever after like the fairy tales mommy and daddy read to us when we were mere children. Love does not involve smoke, mirrors and breath taking magic. It involves two real people living life. It involves two people who want to live life side by side helping each other at whatever fate throws at them. It involves a lot of hard work, patience, and understanding. It tests the inner depths of the soul and mind. Love brings extreme joy and extreme pain. Love is a feeling and a mind set. Love is crying together when it hurts too much. Love involves elevated happiness and appreciation of life. Love is involves knowing this person like you know yourself. Love involves growing together. Love involves communication. Love involves holding on and forgiving. Love is looking into each other's eyes and being extremely happy because you have found one another. I thank whoever is residing in the heavens above for this person. And a lifetime is not enough time to show this person how much I love him. I found it. I don’t question it. I love him and he loves me.
Too Late
A dream, a hope
Covered in dust
Some pictures and clocks
A Bible untouched
I look from my grave
My death bed lay here
And see it all disappear except
A Bible untouched
My family grown aand gone
My abilities have left
As my regrets fill my mind, there's
A Bible untouched
Would it, could it be different
If I tried harder
Would I live, if there were
A fingerprint on my Bible?
- Daria Ophelia Amos
Sleep
Always whisper like the roses each whom cry in pain,
Have I killed myself and my soul and everything I love in vein,
Have I let myself fall again and wrapped myself in
chains,
i don't remember what its like not feeling any pain,
I forgot what its like to feel real love,
I miss God on heaven above.
-Myra Ellen-
"Peace, Love, and Faeries"
America Screwed Me Part To
Hay! I am back and i am still screwed by amerika. I got no cash and no life and I don'ot care. I think preasideant clinton is da bomb. He got screwed worse than me, politically and personally. My addvice iz to watch out for Hilary becase she will sneak up behind u with a baseball bat.
Damn People
Why do people always have to play mind games? It pisses me off when people do that. People I hate in everyday life go out of their way to fuck with me. I don't get the point. When I don't like someone, I stay the hell away from them. Why would I waste my time on someone I don't like? I think people who say they hate someone and go out of their way to mess with them really don't hate that person all too much. How can they? They hate that person so much they want to see them or make the other person know how much they hate them. That's just gay to me. If I hate someone then the last thing I want to do is see them. That would just make me more angry. It's like people purposely want to make themselves mad. And that just doesn't make sense.
Poem
This is a poem called poem
I like foam
It has nothing to do with the poem
Maybe this is dumb
Maybe this is fun
I don't care it is ok
This is for nothing much anyway
I am almost done
With this poem that is called poem
Political Commentary
Hey, this is some serious, yet provocative political commentary. Of course Bill Clinton has had some problems lately. I think that about 3 people care about what happened: Mr. Starr, Hilary, and Lewinski. The rest of America doesn't care. Clinton is doing a good job running the country so leave him alone. Stop spending money and let him run the country. I think maybe the taxpayers money would have been better spent on sex education when Bill was a kid. Just let him be because I am sick of hearing about it.
High School
I can't help but think that everyone in high school will have one year that will stand out from the rest. Most people I think would look back on their senior year. I, on the other hand, choose to pick my sophomore year. Now that I'm out of high school, I can look back on everything, including graduation, which I must say is the single greatest moment of high school, but can't compare to everything that happened sophomore year. That year I learned the most, had the most fun, and everything basically went my way. I loved all my teachers. I didn't dislike any of them. I'm not saying this because I'm some suck up. I'm saying it cuz it's true. I don't like all teachers, but the teachers I had sophomore year made school fun and interesting. They made me WANT to learn. My schedule consisted of hard classes, but each of them were made easier by teacher that taught it. I never again had that. My junior year was a disaster. I got all these teachers that didn't teach at all. They went over the material maybe once, just threw a test at us. Isn't a teachers job to TEACH? Plus sophomore year I got my license. The activities I was involved were cool as hell. I met my still current girlfriend. I know they say college is supposed to be the best years of our lives, but I think high school is. High school is still childhood. Things aren't complicated. You have no worries besides maybe that test that you forgot to study for. And if you screw up, or have one bad year that's OK. Because you can always rebound. The one lesson I learned in high school is to be yourself. Don't let people get to you. People in high school will always talk shit, and those who choose not to follow that path, are truly the ones who understand what I'm talking about.
Atticus
There's no better place then the north woods. Where else can you fish, hunt, burn cars, 4-wheel, snowmobile, do burnouts on the highway, shoot guns and just plain enjoy the wondrous nature around you? Damnit even the people are friendlier. You have all the open space you could ever want. I just don't understand how people could possibly enjoy living in the dirty disgusting city. People weren't meant to live stacked upon each other (like 21 story building apartments.) I hate my existence here in Greenfield. One time when I was up north, I was just lounging about wondering what to do. Then my uncle Patrick had this grand idea. His idea was for me to find a battery and stick it in this crappy FORD THUNDERBIRD. Then proceed to drive it around the field. This sounded good to me, so I borrowed a battery from my pop's CHEVY truck. With the help of my uncle we got it running. I jumped in the car and started to going nuts. Givin-er-hell, doing doughnuts and what-not. Going "65 sideways", driving through grass taller then the car. I was coming down this hill and turned the wheel sharply to the left as the back end flew out it got stuck. I couldn't get it out. Soon it started smoking and flames soon engulfed the engine (sorry to disappoint you, but I was out of the car at this point.) It also engulfed a large chunk of grass around the burning vehicle. The fire soon spread to the gas tank (but surprisingly didn't blow up. My guess due to the small amount of gasoline left in the tank.) Now the whole car was in flames. A small group of about 20 family members were now gathered about in the field. Eventually an hour later the fire department showed up to fearlessly put out the raging fire...Ah what a great experience that was. I have the great country to thank. Well my little story has come to an end, and remember molasses tastes good.
Hi
"Hello" I say
Do you like clay?
Is it fun to mold?
Yes, I am told
This conversation ends
I will now go on with my friends
Night
Memories from the past
Combined with emotions now,
A mixture that is sure to last
An unspoken, disturbing vow.
The thoughts are flowing,
Hopeing for some insight.
The times are slowing,
But there is no light.
They seem to demand answers
But I don't know
It seems I never will
Understand this constant flow.
-Daria Ophelia Amos
Prozac day
I look around and find,
Only blessings come to mind,
Another prozac day begins,
Free from a world of sins,
I walk through the day without a care,
Nothing to worry about I wouldn't dare
Oh look and ant on the ground,
Look a little friend I found,
His eyes are so honest unlike those evil, life-destroying, people who claim to be modest,
Oh, im getting off,
Must think of a light and happy thought,
I talk to the ant but he doesn't answer back,
Maybe I will squish him with a tack,
I will go along on my way,
In my beautiful pre-planned prozac day.
Daria Olivia Amos & Myra Ellen
"Peace, Music, and Faeries"
Whore-O-Scopes
Aries (March 21 - April 19)- Find an intern. Need I say more?
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)- Pedophilic germans will invade your mamma.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)- You will become a petty loser and people will beat the crap out of you.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)- Barn yard animals are not a source of sexual pleasure.
Leo (July 23 - Aug 22)- During the night aliens will anal probe you. Then Art Bell will interview you.
Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22)- Over the weekend, you will find an all new and improved masturbation lubricant, which will help you out greatly.
Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22)- On one of your many acid flash backs you will try to fly by jumping out of a 6 story window and will land your neighbors cat. Fortunatly he has nine lives.
Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21)- God will appear to you in a dream and admit that you weren't exactly what he had in mind.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)- Stop talking to her boobs, for you will never be meeting them.
Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19)- alkjfdlkveoirjoiqhoihaervo, if you understood that, I pitty you.
Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)- No daddy don't make me hide the salami again!
Pisces (Feb 19 - March 20)- The womans dress you looked up, and then got beat up for, is really a transvestite.
