Hail Satan!

Paulo

     It all started when I was kicked out of school for five days. I won't go into details--basically it involved some 7th grade pieces of shit throwing out disses and not being able to handle what comes back. They made up some stories, got some of their friends as witnesses, and reported me and a friend to a vice-principal who hated me anyway. No attempt was made by them to prove anything.

     When you're suspended from my school, you don't sit at home, you have to go sit in a little shack that doubles as an animal shelter and triples as an ambulance station for the county. It was in this shack, secluded from the rest of the world, that I drew the comic that traveled the globe, leaving in its wake millions of corrupted youth... well, I guess all it really did was get me in trouble with a bunch of fascist idiots.

     The comic was called AMF. It secretly stood for "angry motherfucker," but in the comic the main character was reffered to as "Al M. Farmer" to throw people off. It was three pages of your average punk getting harrassed by a group of jocks, killing them, getting harrassed by the vice-principal, killing him, and then getting harrassed by a cop (you guessed it, he gets killed too.) Suprisingly, this comic contained no profanity and was actually moderately tame. Sure, it was extremely violent, but the art made it more humorous than anything else. Basically, I made this comic to release some of my pent-up hostility. I find that making comics is a healthy alternative to flipping out and killing lots of people.

     When I came back to school, all was well for the rest of the grading period. I showed the comic to a lot of people, and a few of them were inspired, drawing what were basically crude rip-offs (kids get sick of taking crap and kill their oppressors.) One of my newer friends, Jason, saw this and decided he wanted to put it with some of his and publish his own little comic. I introduced him to zines, pulling a wad of them out of my backpack along with a copy of Factsheet 5, and this motivated him even more. I told him about my zine, undumb, and he thought it was cool that people from all over can read what I have to say and write back and send their stuff.

     He wrote AMF really big at the top of my comic, with an anarchy symbol for the A. I told him that was stupid because the title was in the first frame of the comic, and it wasn't an anarchist comic anyway.

     He started using a school scanner and printer, and he got caught.

     He told me this lady had taken the comics and told him they were filled with Satanic references and asked him about his affiliations with cults and Satanism. I thought this was a crock of shit and wanted my comic back. I told him to point this lady out to me, so he led me to the office, showed me the lady and boltled. I confronted the woman.

     "You have something of mine and I would like it back. I want my comic."

     She got in my face and told me that wasn't an option, and that it was in the hands of the vice-principal. When she told me this, she was literally inches from my face. I didn't like it. She was a short, fat lady with a small head. I don't like that sort of thing very close to me.

     "Why did you steal my comic?" I asked, trying to step back a little.

     She got back in my face as she told me, "It's not a matter of stealing, it's a matter of discipline. Mr. Reich has it."

     "Can I talk to him?"

     "No, he's busy right now."

     What a bunch of bullshit. I stepped away from that lady and asked another one if I could have an appointment with Mr. Reich, the vice-principal. She said I could and that he would probably call me down during fourth hour. I said thanks and she wrote me a pass back to class.

     Third hour, I'm sitting there taking a test when I'm called down to student services. Not the office, student services. My teacher says I'm taking a test and that I'll come down when I'm finished. I finish my test and go sit in student services. I sit there until a few minutes into fourth hour, when the fat lady with the small head appears and brings me into the nurses office.

     "I'm using the nurse's office because I don't have one of my own. My name is Mrs. Allah, I'm working with the other guidance counselors, not the office. So...what's your connection to all this?"

     "I made the comic entitled AMF."

     "This comic is entirely innapropriate for school. It is violent and vulgar, and filled with obscenity."

     She sat there rambling about how bad it was, all the while I'm thinking she's just stupid. Here's where it starts getting even weirder. Amidst her mindless rambling is more mindless rambling, and amidst that is mindless rambling about the Satanic references in my comic.

     "Wait a minute...where are you getting that it's Satanic?!"

     "That symbol you're using! Did you know that symbol is used by Satanist and occult groups?"

     "What symbol?"

     "The one with the A. We have documentation that tells us that this is linked to Satanism and the occult."

     "Anarchy? Anarchy is political, not religious."

     "It's innapropriate. Just like swatzikas are innapropriate." As she mentioned swatzikas, she pointed at the anti-nazi patch on my backpack.

     I told her I have freedom of speech and freedom of religion, and tried to ask her about the people wearing Jesus shirts all the time. She told me it was school policy and I wasn't allowed to debate it. She also told me "this is a Christian society."

     She kept rambling about Satanism and how it wasn't permitted. I held up the horned hand and said, "Hail Satan!"

     "Like that! That's innapropriate!"

     She told me it would help my case if I just went along with everything and stopped being beligerant. I asked her how the hell I'm supposed to act when she won't even let me say anything. She told me I was allowed to say anything I wanted to.

     Then she went on telling me that she knew AMF stood for "profanity." I told her no, it stands for Al M. Farmer, and she could find that out by reading the comic.

     She went on asking me if I was Satanic. I told her I had a copy of Anton LaVey's Satanic Bible. She quickly wrote it down and asked me if I was involved in a cult.

     "Why, yes, actually I am in a cult. It's called the Church of the SubGenius. I'm an ordained minister of this cult."

     She started writing down what I was saying as quickly as she could. She asked me questions about the Church and it's beliefs. I was trying not to laugh and even when I talked you could tell I wasn't entirely serious. Apparently she didn't notice my manner of speech and took it all way too seriously.

     "So who is this "Bob"? What is "Slack?" Does Bob have a last name? Who is in charge of this cult? Etc., etc."

     After she was done questioning me about this horrible evil cult, she went on trying to figure out what the hell a zine is. I tried to explain it to her but basically all she got was, "So...you people making these ‘zines,’ you're just trying to spread a message of violence and satanism?"

     "Is there any information you'd like me to pass on to Mr. Reich? I'm talking to him later."

     "Yeah, this is a load of crap."

     "That's your opinion. Anything else?"

     "You're a fascist."

     "Oh, that's fine."

     "I should call the ACLU."

     "Call whoever you like, file whatever you want. We have our policies, I'm just doing my job. Now, where are you headed?"

     I told her and she started writing me a pass. She asked what my name was again and I told her.

     "You can write "Reverend Paul Saylor" if you want."

     "No, I don't think I will."

     I left and started walking back to class. I guess the bell had rung for lunch so I threw the pass in the garbage and went to lunch. I started telling my friends what happened. My friend Lewis was quite pissed.

     Me, Lewis, and my other friend Doug walked down the hall and started talking to another guidance counselor. He apparently used to be a social studies teacher. Lewis asked him about the connections between Satanism and Anarchism.. He said that Anarchy is just another political group, like being Republican or Democrat or Fascist.

     We talked to him for the rest of lunch and then walked to the office to make an appointment. I told the lady that Lewis should come down with me when I get called down. She said okay and sent us back to class.

     The rest of fourth hour I sat there having a feeling the vice-principal was going to be his usual asshole self and not talk to me. I was right.

     However when I got home, my parents asked why he called. He had his secretary call and leave a message for my mom to call him. They said he was scared to talk to my dad, that's why he did it that way.

     I told my parents about how I was accused of being a Satanist and being in a cult, and that apparently that's against school policy. I talked about how it was retarded and she wouldn't let be debate anything. My dad was fairly pissed and talked about how Mr. Reich was going to try to kick me out again, and that he could because he has police power. ("They kicked him out for a yo-yo!") He said he was going to expose the asshole for his record of frivolous suspensions. My mom said she was going to go in and talk to him.

     Will I be suspended? Will I be sucked deeper into the cult I'm in? Will Satan steal my soul?

     Find out in the next episode of I WAS A TEENAGE SATANIC ANARCHIST IN A CULT DRAWING FOUL COMICS TO CORRUPT THE WORLD!!!!