EXIT MUSIC (FOR YOUR LIFE)

Hopefully this little review column o' mine should become a regular thing in this all new, all different incarnation of HTP. Regardless, before you read on gentle reader I must forewarn you that I am given no purchasing budget by this newspaper. What that means is that most of these reviews are culled from CDs I've actually bought, meaning this column may end up looking like a recommendation page rather than a review page, ah but I digress.

This is my "hip" grading process:

@@@@@ - Excellent, destined for the desert island, along with Predator and Drew Barrymore.

@@@@ - Wow, like a nice pair of tits.

@@@ - Not bad, several good tunes, a solid record.

@@ - Dodgy, keep the receipt handy.

@ - Who is responsible for this piss, I'm going to shit in their lungs.

Korn - Follow the Leader (Immortal/Epic)

The lads of Korn have managed to redeem themselves after the weak effort on Life is Peachy. This record returns Korn to that lofty position of respect they held with their first, self-titled release. They manage to mix the heavy shit with melancholic, triumphant choruses in a manner worthy of Faith No More. The solid tracks more than make up for the cheese rap tracks.

Bottom line: Korn rules bitch.

Choice tracks: "It's on" and "B.B.K."

Grade: @@@@

Orgy - Candyass (Elementree)

This turkey didn't make it pass the listening bar folks. I had thought that because this band was the first signing to Korn's Elementree label they might actually be good. Boy was I wrong. I should have seen the description of being heavy goth on the cover sticker as a warning. This is stale, derivative shit. It makes Coal Chamber look good.

Bottom line: Shit.

Choice tracks: The sound of me pissing on the CD.

Grading: @

Rammstein - Sehnsucht (Slash)

Much to my surprise Rammstein are a real band and yes, a bunch of guys singing in German can make the top thirty countdown on Muchmusic. The record is actually good as well, not just funny good like Weird Al, but devil-sign good too. This stuff kinda sounds like Wagner meets Ministry. They aren't the most original sounding thing ever but sometimes just rocking out is good enough.

Bottom line: Good music for getting loaded to and shaking your fist in the air.

Choice tracks: "Tier" and "Du Hast"

Grade: @@@

Rob Zombie - Hellbilly Deluxe (Geffen)

The man whom I love like a drunken uncle has returned with a solid record. Though not as strong as Astro-Creep 2000, this record still has its moments. The lyrical content is the usual Rob Zombie fair, with a lot about demons, hot cars, and sexy undead ladies. Without a doubt it has the finest sleeve art you'll see all year. He'll still be getting Christmas cards from me.

Bottom line: Devil music in its purest form.

Choice tracks: "Demonoid Phenomenon" and "Return of the Phantom Stranger"

Grade: @@@

Wow, a lot of Metal so far. Don't worry folks I've got some other shit to review as well.

DJ Cam - The Beat Assassinated (Columbia)

This is another one of those hip-hop records for us white guys. You know the type, the focus is on the art of being a hip-hop DJ and scratching and so on. The instrumental tracks are solid while the vocal tracks have more complex beats and scratches than a lot of the drivel that passes for hip-hop these days. Unfortunately, a few throw-away tracks hurt the record as a whole.

Bottom line: Quality Hip-hop, just skip the French rap.

Choice Tracks: "Broadcasting Live" and "Inside a Mind"

Grading: @@@

UNKLE - Psyence Fiction (Mo'Wax)

DJ Shadow and James Lavelle(head of Mo'Wax) teamed up to put together this record with such notables as Mike D, Richard Ashcroft, and Thom Yorke. It's a good, good record that truly just gets better with each listen. Shadow and Lavelle manage to cover a full range of feelings, taking us from sad tracks to upbeat tracks and back again without losing the plot. A Masterpiece.

Bottom line: This is the Heat of records.

Choice Tracks: "UNKLE(main title theme)" and "Rabbit in your headlights"

Grading: @@@@@

Various Artists - On the Floor at the Big Beat Boutique (Skint) This record, which is mixed by Fatboy Slim, is possibly the best party record ever made. It's put out by the label making the freshest goddamn techno/dance music around right now, Skint records. By golly does this thing make me want to get up and boogie, which is trouble on the 401. Fatboy Slim even panders to my guilty pleasure by slipping in a phat house track.

Bottom line: Pure titty jiggler.

Choice tracks: "Because I got it like that"(Jungle Brothers) and "Phun-ky"(DJ Tonka)

Grading: @@@@

I'm looking over my reviews here and it does seem that we had a good batch this month. Thank god for that Orgy Rubbish or else it would have all looked really biased. Anyway kids, I'm gonna close out by saying that if you can only buy one of these records, buy the UNKLE record, but I'm sure my glowing review already gave you a fairly clear idea about my views on that.