Anybody who attended Woodlands last year would agree that the election assembly was a bit of a circus. It would have been tough to resurrect the spirit of ’97, but with the Woodlands’ recent introduction to party-politics, our SAC executive hopefuls brought the election assembly to new heights, by taking it to a new low. For those of you who missed the greatest spectacle I have ever seen, we will be coming out with a video, “SAC Elections: Too Hot for TV”, hopefully in a week or two, but let me just say this: wrestling, stripping, breaking, board-bustin’, a full blues band, and an actual gong on stage! These were just some of the antics involved in what was less of an assembly, and more of a “Def Election Jam”.

Sure enough, the Degeneration X Army lead the way in antics, with Minh Dang performing several “stone cold stunners” on his hapless assistants, and gesturing intensely towards his groin in the traditional DX manner. Sunil Kothary, who was hampered early by crappy posters, came through on his speech, with the assistance of several breakdancers, including DX posterboy George Chu and the Woodlands’ representative from the Temple of Hip Hop, Jeff De Asis. Of course, one can’t forget the king of ruckus, that of course being George, who made a spectacular entrance from the lecture hall, and managed to make the most offensive comment of the day about his opponent, Reena, who went for a Spice Girl motif, using “girl power” in order to try and quell the DX wave. In what had to be the most shocking move of the day, current secretary and presidential hopeful Jackie Pangilinan busted out the DX Army uniform on stage, giving direction to her otherwise neutral and small-scale campaign.

The DX Army was of course rivaled by the Prefect-backed Blues Brothers Party, who formed an entire blues band on stage in an attempt to woo the crowd. Unfortunately, few people in this school listen to blues, and the actual Blues Brothers, thanks to the awful sequel made last year, are really lame. Some bright spots for the Blues Brothers included Vincent Shiao’s super-intense Hitler-esque treasurer speech, and Lawrence ‘Nice Guy’ Correa’s guitar solo, which included an Angus Young impression, and culminated in Lawrence jamming Twisted-Sister-style on the stage, flat on his back. Once the DX Army got a hold of the gong-mallet however, a feverish duel began, with George and Lawrence battling it out for the crowd’s favour. The feud between the two parties also caused tons of heckling, which at times drowned out the candidates themselves, but this was probably a good thing, since the majority of the speeches were either really lame, or really obscene.

Among the independents, the ruckus was more subdued, with secretary speeches lasting about eighteen seconds in total, and many others turning in forgettable performances that I have already chosen to forget. There was also a large increase in the amount of candy-throwing this year, as many candidates chose to make giveaways a big part of their campaign speeches. Even the crowd got its shots in, as various members of the audience took the stage, proclaiming the assembly a ‘travesty’ of democracy, and chastising the DX Army for their excessive use of pelvic-thrusts. Ironically, the only real election issue brought up during the entire assembly (that of future commencements being moved into the cafetorium) was brought up by an audience member, Jim Provost, who we should all thank for bringing a speck of sanity to the proceedings. Certainly, there were way too many hijinx for me to even begin to list them all, so seriously, get the video when it comes out. We’ll give you more info when we figure out all the details.

Of course, not everybody had as much fun at the circus/prison-riot/election assembly as I did, and many teachers were visibly angered by the constant vulgarities and shedding of clothing on stage. One teacher was heard to have said, “I have never been so disappointed with the students of this school as I am today.” We’ll have to wait and see who actually wins in order to find out how insane this school is willing to get. Incidentally, the award for death stare of the millennium goes to presidential candidate Gita for her icy glare towards her hecklers. Remember: you mess with Gita, you get dropped. I need to sit down.

In closing, I want to point out that the SAC election assembly was really just a symptom of a more deadly disease: student apathy and frustration. We here at Woodlands have finally realized that the SAC has no power whatsoever; and that, for all its pretences of being a student ‘government’, it is really just a dance committee with little or no impact on the everyday lives of the student body. That is why people stopped caring, and that is why the assembly turned into a full-on white-trash orgy. Would it be nice if there were real issues? Yes, of course. But could any of the promises made (i.e. lowering student fees, walking during announcements, etc.) ever be kept? Not with the administration holding the leash. So, my point is, if we want a real election, we need to have a real democracy - a real student government with some real power. The question is: do we deserve one?