SACandal!

or “Fahrenheit S-A-C”

or “Why Spirit Week was so Dry”

It seems as though the SAC can’t touch anything these days without setting it ablaze with controversy.

Recent events centering around the SAC have sent waves of fiery rumour throughout the school, leaving the Execs choking on administrative smoke, and struggling to clean up the ashes. First there was the day when Mike V., senior vice-president, began an ill-advised SAC-office science experiment that would end in tragedy. For the advancement of science, the VP would construct a crown of flames, using a bucket and a few scraps of a magazine. Once the flames had begun to burn out of control, and after realizing that the SAC office in fact provided no ventilation, and had no running water with which to extinguish the blaze, measures were taken to put out the fire (i.e. the bucket was thrown on the floor and stomped on), which ended in a whole lot of smoke and ash covering various parts of the office. Smoke continued billowing out of the SAC office until SAC staff sponsors and some administration could be called in for damage control.

Things since the fire have been uneasy to say the least. SAC Executives and the administration have adopted a ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy about the incident, choosing to play down the fact that elected school officials saw it fit to set fire to their office. Students and some members of the administration have been kept in the dark until very recently about the actual events of that day.

Now turning the to the recent school dance. Although a financial success, 3rd Bass is proving to spell ‘trouble’ for the SAC. Most of the controversy stems from a couple of violent incidents that night (which you may have read about elsewhere). First, someone put their hand through one of the front-door windows, and it also seems that a small fight broke out on the dancefloor. The people involved in these two altercations were not students at the Woodlands, so in order to track down the source of the problem, one would have to check the SAC Guest List (a list of all the non-Woodkids that were at the dance, and who they came with), and - well, this is where things get a bit messy. It seems as though the mysterious Guest List has either disappeared, or worse, never existed at all, leaving the administration with no way of tracking down the source of the problem. The current SAC policy on the matter seems to be ‘Play Dumb’, and if you ask one of them about the dance these days, they will probably respond, “What dance?”, and accuse you of betraying the revolution.

Anyway, the trouble at the dance was enough to get the administration’s alarm bells ringing, and word on the street is that something drastic might be done. Among the administration’s chief concerns are the preferential distribution of lockers in bay ‘K’ to SAC-pals (which has been a Woodlands institution as along as I can remember), Mike V. selling Pepsi out of the SAC office, and the lack of records concerning the dance. Oh, and that they SET THEIR OFFICE ON FIRE. Of course, it is all speculation and rumours at this point, but the words “impeachment” and “by-election” have been flying around. Right now, it isn’t clear which Exec(s) will feel the administration’s wrath, although Mike V. is seen as a likely candidate, due to his use of the SAC office as a place to sell Pepsi, and also, the fact that HE SET THE OFFICE ON FIRE.

If you are hearing all this for the first time, you are probably shaking your head and wondering how such a mockery of student government could exist. How could a group be elected to office when they are so clearly disinterested in school matters? (except for all that work they put into furnishing their office, you know, before IT WAS SET ON FIRE). To their credit, none of the events that have transpired concerning the SAC have been the product of any malicious intent on their part. It’s not as if they are actually trying to do a bad job, they just don’t care enough to do a good job (this is, of course, a crass generalization based solely on a few conversations with a few Execs).

And the loss of the office only removes more of the already dwindling incentive. As we know, the office was the key to the delicate balance between the Woodlands government and the governed. The students accepted any idiocy on the part of the SAC, as long as it was kept within the confines of their office, and the SAC continued to do an adequate job, padding the numbers here and there, and making life particularly pleasant for themselves and their friends. (Notice how I didn’t mention the fire in this paragraph).

Well it looks like those days are gone. The balance has been thrown off-kilter, and what happens next is anybody’s guess. The SAC has not been able to ‘chill’ in their office for weeks now; their 8-tracks and records are slowly collecting dust behind the locked door. Senior Social Conveynor Don Mchoull has that crazy look in his eyes lately. This might be beyond the boundaries of ‘responsible journalism’, but I have to say that violent, bloody revolution is the only solution.