Rainy Days and Mondays Always Get Me Down

A personal account of experiencing depression

Many different problems are attempted to be tackled by our school: for example, financial difficulties, out of control students, and apathetic teachers. There is one problem that many people in our school experience but is not being given any attention: depression. The most common of mental health disorders, 1 out of 14 people are currently suffering from some level of depression. That means that in our school alone, 140 students and faculty from all walks of life are experiencing a state of depression. I am one of these people.

Other people unfortunately have dismissed my depression as an overextended ‘down’ period in my life, which can remedied at any time, under my control. Sadly, I have had many of the physical and mental symptoms of this ‘disorder’ for most of my years in secondary school, and these symptoms are not going away any time soon. Due to the undeniable truths that I have been faced to deal with concerning myself as an individual and my interaction with the rest of society, a pervasive sadness had lingered for so long.

The fact that no one has realized this without myself actually telling them (probably only 2 people over 4 years) is not surprising, because many of the symptoms I have had are not at all noticeable to a casual observer. The most persistent symptom has been changes in sleeping. I have not had a good night’s sleep for many years now, either not being able to get to sleep for many hours, of multiple interruptions of sleep during the night. I have lost interest and pleasure in the activities I had formerly enjoyed. I have had more difficulty to concentrate and think, which is not a good considering that I am currently taking OAC courses. Worst of all the symptoms are the recurring thoughts of death and suicide that have encompassed me from the onset. I always think to myself that I could end all this suffering in an instant, but something still keeps me living onwards, albeit without any direction whatsoever. I am always hoping for better days to come, but it seems that I remain stuck in a world of gloom.

I think one of the main reasons for my depression is the overwhelming loneliness I have had ever since I entered the school in Grade 9. Up to that point, I believed I possessed the qualities that will allow myself to have respect from my peers, develop close friendships and live with the confidence of unashamedly being myself. The first few months at the Woodlands was a rude awakening to my sensibilities. Not only was I just about completely rejected from almost everyone in the school, it seemed as if I was not even given a chance to prove myself . Sure, I didn’t have the same interests as the majority of the students, but I had hoped at the very least that there would be someone out there who understood. As I walk across the halls of the school, I walk alone. Almost no one acknowledges me in the halls, usually giving me a VERY cold stare. I have had difficulty refraining from shedding tears right on the spot. I am very aware that I am definitely ‘the joke’ of the rest of students, who eagerly mock my persona in a very condescending manner. Never have I been invited to party, and never have I even been considered as a person someone could trust and confide with. I am easily forgettable, and am never seen in a positive light. My weekends and summers are just about completely solitary, isolated from the rest of student body who are actually experiencing life while I sit on the sidelines. It really bugs me when people say to me that I am solely responsible for my own personal hardships, when it is evidently clear that the idea of someone wanting to feel pain and suffering is senseless. Is it my fault that I have taken the road less traveled, and suffered in the consequences? Do I deserve all the rejection, ambivalence, hostility, and pain just for being myself? No one does.

I have just about nobody to talk to. My parents would be just about the last people who I would talk to about this. They already think that I am ‘pschyo’ already, because I sing to myself constantly when alone, and never express my thoughts. Even though I know I am suffering through a period of depression, my parents have been absolutely left out in the dark . I would prefer it that way. My inability to have a positive relationship with my parents is also another root of my depression. We fight constantly, and are probably polar opposite personality wise. I have yet to have developed a close friendship with anyone in this entire universe, so there is no outlet for me to express my pain and fears about my situation and its future. Counseling, I believe, simply does not make enough of an impact to actually change the life of someone going through such a disorder. I remember the occasion when I actually went to school counselor, albeit very discreetly. I found the time spent with the counselor to be a waste, because this person couldn’t relate to my problems. The Internet may be a way to find support, but I believe all those newsgroups and organizations are just bogus. Most of these people are complete fakes, who are just out there for other people’s money. I know I have to make the first step in rehabilitation, but I have no idea where to go.

Long ago, I couldn’t fathom the idea of having someone else experiencing what I have experienced, but I know there are others out there. Depression doesn’t just affect the person experiencing it, depression affects everyone. Our school should take more consideration about the mental health of our students, along with the developement of the education of students and teachers alike. Most of all, the students and teachers should not be forced to live in an enviroment where the onset of depression can take place. Depression is a battle that can be won, however, depression can also be the burden that lasts a lifetime.