Welcome to the Animal House

-Political Candidate wallows in his own filth.

They say politics are a dirty game. This is true. Will I lower myself to participate in a dirty game? Yes I will. I used to be really cynical about school elections, and then I entered one. I don’t care if I win or lose, I have never had so much fun in a school in my life.

The first thing you have to realize, is that politics are extremely shallow at Woodlands. There are really no issues to be dealt with, and most debated topics are out of our hands anyway. This is why some of the speeches given were so meaningless. People were promising everything from “jits” tables in the cafeteria to the entire restructuring of the building itself. Are these really things that can be changed? No. All the fun ideas we students come up with(music in the caf, jits tables) have been shot down time and again, and the mere mention of them is pointless.

Now that we’ve established that there is nothing to take a stand on during a speech, I’d like to move onto the speeches themselves. My opinion is mixed on this one. On a positive note, I have never in my four years at Woodlands seen such enthusiasm and school spirit at any event, and the atmosphere (I’m talking about the only assembly that mattered, the 10-OAC one) during the whole thing was like a circus. On the negative side, however, the ordeal was a circus. Empty promises, mudslinging, and plain old grandstanding dominated the forum, and despite the crowd reaction, no one really came away with much dignity that day. I categorized, so pay attention:

The Personality Kids- These are the candidates who base their speeches on the fact that they work hard and want school spirit. Like anyone cares.
Daniel Chen(recycling rep.)- Said that he will work hard on recycling in the school. The energy almost knocked me out of my chair. Seriously.
Vivian Lo(recycling rep.)- Explained the fundamentals of recycling to us. She should give Daniel a run for his money.
Roberta Lam(recycling rep.)- More of the same, almost broke into tears from nervousness.
Nissa Ally(social convenor)- Cries for school spirit went dreadfully unheard.
Shirley Chan(social convenor)- I couldn’t really hear her most of the time, and frankly, it’s probably better that way.
Morgan Shim(president,acclaimed)-Morgan’s a nice guy, but the crowd was just not with him on this particular day. I guess it’s hard to act competitive when you’ve already won.

The Grandstanders- Pandering to the lowest common denominator never hurt anyone. And you wonder why no one trusts politicians anymore.
Andrew Chan(recycling rep.)- Shook booty on stage, and promised to get “dirty” with recycling. We all knew what he meant.
Ryan Kennedy(treasurer)- First speech I’ve ever seen that had absolutely nothing to do with an election. Topics included theft of student fees (and the lack thereof if elected), Wu-Tang Clan, and Pulp Fiction quotations. On-stage antics included banging on the podium like a Central American dictator, and raising his fist in triumph. It ain’t over yet, buddy.
Don McHoull(social convenor)- With possibly the most famous ad campaign in recent history, Don had quite a bit to live up to. No disappointments here. After deadpanning his pure cynic speech, he proceeded to “heal the sick”, and direct his minions to toss out candy to the crowd/piranhas. “This election is a sham!” he proclaimed. It is now, anyway.

The Mudslingers- You’ll notice that these people are at the bottom. There’s a very good reason for this.
George Chu (treasurer)- In an interesting strategy move, George decided not to attack his opponent, but the acclaimed president, Morgan. It seems the pair have been a feudin’, and hell, why not tell the whole school? His angle seemed to be “Morgan sucks”. I won’t vote for Morgan, then. Oh wait…IT DOESN’T MATTER! HE ALREADY WON! Nice try, Georgie boy.
Michael Vasilekaris and Gita Gulati(senior vice president)- Get out the slop-buckets, folks, because this one was fought in the pigpen. Gita, aided by sign-wielders, and Mike, aided by attempted sign-takers, and successful sign-throwing-crumpled-papers-at-ers, used their speeches to trash each other, complain about the architecture, and basically anything else they could pull in two to three minutes. After the assembly, a debate was held as to whether the signs should be retained by the owners, or smashed on the tables. The sign people were really annoying, though.

So, as you can see, politics are a sham. But, a fun sham. When else can I pretend to be Zach from “Saved by the Bell” without getting my ass kicked by someone pretending to be Slater? Don’t think dumb-ass elections are limited to Woodlands, however. Have you seen MuchMusic’s coverage of the federal election? I’m not saying that murdering Avi Lewis is right, but I do not discourage any attempts. I mean, come on, I was watching him talk to some teenage “media experts”(read: kids who watch more than four hours of the mindless music station a day), and their biggest concern was the fact that the campaign commercials were getting too interesting, and they couldn’t get up to go to the fridge. Beatings all around for these zombies.

So don’t be disallusioned, kids-we’re all gullible farm animals in the end.