| Anarchy in the W.A.A. Don vs. God Yearbook Hoop-la Get a haircut, and get a real job. Retroviseur (2x) The 17 Minute Comic |
A disturbing trend resurfaced in our halls last week. In what seems to be a rash of vandalism, the trophy cases near the gym were smashed up. It's a good thing it was a Woodlands trophy case, because otherwise a lot of valuable awards might have been stolen. Thank god for mediocrity.
This isn't the only the case in recent times. Several boys washrooms and, just the other day, a girls washroom, have been closed for repairs. As mentioned in HTP #4, you would not believe the inconveniences of walking all the way around the hall upstairs to go to the one or two washrooms that are open, as opposed to the closed one that mocks me everyday across the hall from my classroom. Also, portable A was torched awhile ago. TORCHED. When did we all move to Detroit? Let me set up a scenario for you. Because portable A was set ablaze, I no longer have class there. Inconvenience #1. Because the washroom upstairs in the hallway without the library is closed, I now have to go all the way around between classes. Inconvenience #2. Now here's the interesting part. Because I am now in portable F, my quickest route to room 213 allows me to go to an open bathroom downstairs. How ironic. That reminds me of another random act. The trashing of room 213. This was obviously perpetrated by someone who never had class there, because if they had ever set foot in it, they would have vandalised elsewhere. 213 is one of the greatest rooms in this desolate school, with wicked posters, and a huge map that spans an entire wall. Part of that map is now covered in shitty brown paper, because of some shmuck's love for "Chad". Thanks a lot Chad.
Now for the headliner. For all of the headless masses who roam the school grounds with little or no knowledge of its state, let me bring to your attention that someone ran into the sign. Yes, that vacuum of funds was T-boned right in the arse, and it's never looked better. With the twisted mesh at the bottom where the address is, and its Leaning Tower of Pisa angle, I must give it at least five stars for presentation. A couple letters fell off one side too. Ironically, like most things at Woodlands, only the "D"'s dropped out. Just as a trailer, a local gearhead noted to me that the tracks left in the grass indicate that the car did not attempt to brake at any point in time. Nice Aim.
So what can be done about this situation? In my mind, none of it should have happened, I mean, don’t we have crime stoppers? Shouldn’t these hooligans have been arrested yet? What about the police who drop by every once in a while? The answer to this is that outside forces can do nothing about limiting random acts of senseless violence within the school, unless they go total, fascist, cameras-in-every-room nuts, 1984-style on our asses. Do these things happen at other schools? Maybe every once in a while, but not on a regular basis like here. In my personal opinion, kids at Woodlands just don’t care about anything, and until they do, liquored up dumb jocks who feel they have to act out in order to compensate for the size of their dicks are going to continue to enjoy their adolescent deeds at our expense. I will, however, condone one piece of graffiti which can be found in the washroom next to the library, it goes a little something like this: Imagine a peace symbol and the following words directly under it, "Betcha haven’t seen this in a while". Response in different coloured pen, "True". Tell it like it is.
The issue of religion in public schools has recently been brought back into focus. A growing number of politicians are seeking to bring about the return of the Lord's Prayer to our classrooms. Historically, government has always played a key role in religious matters, and the relationship clearly benefited both parties. Government supplied religion with a large body of worshippers, making religion strong. Religion, in turn, helped to keep the oppressed underclass content by giving meaning to their empty and miserable lives. With the promise of an afterlife as a reward for their suffering, the citizenry toiled endlessly for their corrupt rulers. An absolute acceptance of authority had been instilled in the people by religion, teaching them that they are insignificant when compared with the almighty God. Rulers took advantage of this belief by claiming that they had been appointed by God, elevating themselves above the multitude. Religion gave those in power the means to persecute, kill or torture anyone who disagreed with them. Soldiers would march willingly into battle, eager to kill anyone with different religious views. Needless wars were waged, killing millions. In the hands of the government, religion had become a powerful weapon
When the Europeans came to the New World, they brought their religion with them. They ignorantly attempted to destroy religions far older than their own, forcefully converting the natives to Christianity. The predominate view among missionaries was that this was a service to the natives, saving their souls from a fate of eternal torment. In fact, the true purpose of these conversions was to make the native peoples docile and willing to accept their new masters. Many religious men hypocritically committed acts of sin, killing, raping and keeping their fellow men as slaves. The greatest benefit or religion, the morals it instills in its followers, was lost.
Like many European traditions, the rift between Catholics and Protestants was brought over to the New World. For centuries the two groups made up the vast majority of Canada's citizens. Each remained largely separate, with its own schools, hospitals, and churches. With the wave of immigration that occurred in the later part of this century, the situation changed. Public schools were no longer exclusively Protestant Christian, they were filled with students of every religion. Typically, the Ministry of Education did not remove the clearly out of date practice of Christian prayer as a part of school curriculum until the late nineteen eighties. As our society seems to have lost all of its morals, there is a strong cry to bring religion back into Public Education. Forcing religion on the students will have little or no effect on the moral problems of our society, but it is much easier than finding a real solution to the problems at hand. People's religion should be of their own choosing, and not force-fed to them by the government.
| See you | salty | teacher |
| Have a | my bitch, you | midget |
| You are a | next | summer |
| Remember that | super | spaceman |
| Stay away from | good | year |
| I love | Jeff Bell | baby |
| Pass the | later | fruit |
| You are like a | stupid | life |
| I need my | sexy | plumber |
| Watch out for the | freaken | cowboy |
| Man, that teacher was a | wacky | Oasis sucks |
| Ow, my | Mr. Pirk | cleaning lady |
| Lobster? Sure, | great | ears |
| You are like a | Woodlands | smells |
| Don’t forget that | fat | day |
| 17 | Number of pictures of people sticking foreign objects in their mouths. |
| 4 | Number of pictures of people sticking out their tongues at the camera |
| 15 | Number of times Mr. Pirk uses the word "I" in his message, including once at the start of each sentence. |
| 1 | Number of appearances made by Andrew Desmond's crazy backpack. |
| 7 | The number which seems to be floating mysteriously above the head of an unidentified student on page 140. |
| 3 | Number of professional tennis players moonlighting as members of junior or senior Woodlands tennis teams. |
| 0 | Number of times Richard Vera appears in either the photo index or the list of students who's pictures have not been included in the photo index. |
| 15 | Number of letters in the name of Hodgie D. Robertus, the mysterious Recycling Rep who does not seem to actually exist. |
| 51 | Number of Grads who ended their comments with an exclamation mark. |
| 0 | Number of times former SAC president Kim Pao thanks the students for electing her (possibly because we didn't). |
As summer quickly approaches, many Woodkids are thinking about getting some form of respectible summer employment. If you’re just entering the world of work, you’ll probably have very limited options, especially if you have no special skills (and are not willing to take off your clothes for money):
Being a Dicky-Dee’s ‘sales representative’ is definitely the bottom of the job-market barrel. The Dicky-Dee I talked to was sweating profusely and sunburnt, speaking in weak whimpers like he’d been pushing that bright-white popsicle cart around all his life. Exhausted, and obviously moderately annoyed, he proceeded to tell me about what it is that he does. Simple - he sells ice cream. "I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard, ‘Hey, dick, what kind of ice cream you got?’. Sometimes I want to grab those arrogant assholes and put their heads in the freezer" [puts an imaginary head inside his portable freezocycle, and slams down the door repeatedly] You wanna know what kind of ice cream I got?! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!". As if this degradation wasn’t enough, Dicky-Dee’s are routinely rounded up in pickup trucks and driven to their sales routes, which are always located strategically far from the deliverer’s home, in an attempt to keep them from runnning home in case they lose their will, or get injured. On the upside, there’ll be plenty of excercise, and all the ice cream you can eat (which is deducted from your paycheck).
Not much farther up the ladder you’ll find entry-level McDonald’s employees, just getting used to the fit of their sharp-looking uniforms. Before you sign up for the McArmy, however, be warned that you are joining up with a huge multinational corporation, whose single goal is to make profit by getting children on a high-meat-content diet and keeping them hooked all their lives. Know what you’re getting into: McDonald's and Burger King are two of the many US corporations using lethal poisons to destroy vast areas of Central American rainforest to create grazing pastures for cattle to be sent back to the States as burgers and pet food, and to provide fast-food packaging materials. (Don't be fooled by McDonald's saying they use recycled paper: only a tiny percent of it is. The truth is that it takes 800 square miles of forest just to keep them supplied with paper for one year. Tons of this end up littering the cities of 'developed' countries)*. While your burger-flipping may not seem to have a big impact, it’s just one more drop in Ronald MacDonald’s bucket of corruption, and you’ll be unconsciously supporting the corporation’s inexcusable morally-criminal activity. Plus, you’d have to wear a silly hat.
Other students, those less interested in money, might find volunteering an acceptable choice. After all, you get a couple of nice works to stick on your resume, plus the warm n’ fuzzy feeling you get from helping out a worthy cause. You may also pick up some skills that could prove helpful in a future job search. If your not in it soley for the dead presidents, this is a much better option that hauling around Dicky-Dee’s ice cream.
*For more information on write to Greenpeace (London), 5 Caledonian Road, London, N1 9DX [ Tel: 0171 837 7557]Why even bother to do a review of this album? It has to be the best the Hip has ever put on to record store shelves. It has a dustier, crisper, more acoustic and lyrical feel to it then anything the Hip has ever done before. As an album, it is mature, contemplative, and laced with dark undercurrents. While the Hip may be older, they certainly haven't lost their edge. Songs like Springtime in Vienna and Don't Wake Daddy show that the Hip can still rock. But tracks like Flamenco and Apartment Song show off the darker, more lyrical side of Canada's Kings of Rock. Alright, enough talking. Don't even try to argue with me. Just get off of your lumpy butt and pick it up.
Editor's tip: When you go to the store, don't ask the salesperson if they have "Trouble at the Henhouse". Have some fun: just quote the CD code number for it. Strut up and say "Do you have 'MCSSD 81011' in stock?"
Jim Carey plays yet another overblown, overanimated, rubber-faced nutcase in The able Guy. What else do you have to know? This time, however, he excels (unlike the Mask. Yeeech!). Jimmy plays a nutty cable installer who is also desperately needy. Matthew Broderick is a yuppie suit who becomes the guy that Jim needs to befriend. The two launch into a series of madcap adventures that results in Jim making an ass of himself and Matthew getting the feeling that Jim’s friendship is as good for him as penile cancer. The camerawork in this movie is exceptional, culminating a friendly basketball that turns ugly in a Rodmanesque way. Another high point is Jim’s rendition of a Jefferson Airplane song that will make you want to haul out the ankh necklaces and buckskin vests and get swingin’! This move easily tops anything else Jim Carey has ever done. Long live Cable Guy! 
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