Well, well, well. It's March, and that there on your left is HTP issue number three. It's fun, it's clickable. Scurry your mouse over that scanned copy of HTP, and click on the article you want to read. The magic of the internet will take care of the rest...
Student Council Reform
- constructive
- deconstructive
Zombies of Manson County
Beat Poetry Corner
Crimestoppers
Sign of Evil
Planner Art
Fill it in!
Student
Council Reform
~more than one way to skin a SAC~
It doesn’t take an H. Ross Perot to know that there is a problem with the SAC. Here are two views on what should be done. "Constructive" says that the SAC should change itself, while "Deconstructive" says it should stick to planning Pyjama Jam Days.
Constructive
Ask a student at the Woodlands to name the most reviled organization in the school, the clique of students who rip the students off more than anyone else, and that student would probably name the SAC. Of all the organizations at the school, the SAC is the one with the largest image problem. Why do so many people hate the SAC? Because it is seen to be a bloated, greedy club of friends who steal all our money and do nothing constructive with it. Is that perception true? Your friendly neighborhood HTP reporter staked-out another meeting to find out.
When I got there, I found a room full of noisy grade sevens, having the time of their lives getting excited about nothing (It was a lot like a Green Day concert). Kim Pao was in charge, steering the meeting back on topic when it seemed to stray. She seemed to be committed and was taking her job seriously. The meeting was the first after the elections, and it was sort of an orientation, telling the reps that they are the frontline between the student body and the rest of the SAC. A sizable portion of the meeting was used to discuss the Raptors tickets the SAC are selling. After that came the discussion about the upcoming month and how events are being planned in it to boost school spirit. Imagine spirit week times four. Various ideas for events were tossed around, like dances, contests and other small amusements. As I swatted away the rookie class reps who were hovering over me, trying to read what I was scribbling on my pad, I sat there thinking "Hey, this is pretty good. All in all, it's been a more or less constructive meeting. Maybe the SAC is living up to its expectations." Then, as a young council member asked if the school could put on a dance competition so people could "Bust the moves", it hit me. If this is the typical SAC meeting, than where are all the important issues? Why isn't anyone talking about things that really matter, like the Peel Board Experimental Geek Farm (a.k.a. the Woodlands Academy)? These thoughts totally shattered my image of the SAC as a kind of student senate, looking out for the interests of its constituents, the student body, and replaced them with the picture of a club of executives who were not elected but appointed by their friends to liven up the meetings. A clique that concerns itself only with what it does well, planning goofy contests and dances. This is all a SAC does? Planning cheap entertainment and dances? Sure, those two items are important to the life of the school, and yes, they are doing a fairly good job of organizing these events, but they should be doing more if they are deserving of the name "Student Council". This year, two controversial decisions raised the ire of the student body. We were forced to pay a registration fee that amounted to 70 dollars per locker, and our principal unveiled his plan for dismantling the school as we know it, and replacing it with an "academy" where our educational options and right to self-expression is curtailed. Yet, in the face of all this, the SAC did nothing. It simply kept its head in the sand and went on planning jean sales and ho-ho-hoing competitions. Now is the time to give the SAC more power, and more responsibility.
The Student Council is in the unique position of being the liaison between the administration and the student population. Why not exploit this opportunity to the benefit of both the students and the boys in the office. We could get our opinions heard and our concerns communicated, and the administration would be participating in a new experiment in education, where the staff and the students work together to ensure mutual happiness and progress. The first step along this yellow brick road of change is to ensure full and fair elections. This means that no one can win by default, because no one will run uncontested. Then, the SAC has to be given more power and responsibility by the administration. Joint meetings between the principals and the SAC execs would allow a mutual flow of ideas and concerns. Then, things would really start to move. Students who have an idea or a beef can see their reps, who would pass the matter on to the council, which would pursue the matter at the next joint meeting if action was warranted. This means that policy decisions that directly affect the lives of the student body were made with the student's input, and that decisions by the SAC had the input of the administration. It does not mean that either side would have to give up any authority or autonomy. Our school could become a model for other schools to imitate.
The last time the students were stuck with a raw deal, the SAC stuck its head in the sand, and its ass in the air. Let's give it a good hard kick in the butt to wake it up and get it working for us again.
Deconstructive:
This is the second in a set of two columns dealing with problems with student representation, and SAC "reform". The word "reform" is in quotes because this article has very little to do with changing the existing SAC. Instead, it will focus on deconstructing the current system of student "representation", along with the idiotic paraphernalia that go along with pretending we that have an in-school government.
The current state of the SAC is a dim parody of democracy. What we have, in fact, is a dance committee/fundraising squad with glorified government-sounding titles, and a neat little office with locks on the door. We even have a constitution, and elections to make the whole charade more believable (Although we missed this formality last year. Ed.). This is all designed, a) so that there will be people designing dances/raising money for the dances, and b) to make sure students have a false sense of control, and therefore choose not to question the system. The plain truth is that our elected representatives have no more power or say than anyone of us. The only difference is that they are receiving citizenship points for their obedience. If you need examples, take a quick glance at this school, and problems with the SAC, and student representation in general, are obvious. From foiled basketball-net-getting attempts, to the systematic forced purchases of the infamous "locker+student card+yearbook+planner=scam" package, to various other arbitrary decisions by the administration without any student involvement whatsoever, it’s become clear that the students of the Woodlands are very much at the whim of Big Boss PirkTM, and his band of winged monkeys*.
This pantomime version of student government has failed us time and time again, and it’s just time we stopped kidding ourselves. There is no student representation. We have no voice. The administration is free to make and break policy at will, and even the SAC and Prefect lap-puppies (see: winged monkeys) are powerless to stop them. Period.
Now that’s not to say that the SAC is totally useless. It is completely possible that there are people who attend the dances, and appreciate having someone organizing them. And some of the money raised (or stolen) through student fees and other such fundraising schemes do actually end up helping out the average student. But calling them a "student government", or even hinting that they "represent the students" is completely ludicrous, and is an idea that needs to be abandoned. Having a ‘pretend government’ is even worse than not having one at all, since it gives us the impression that we have control, when it is clear that we do not. This kind of cheap administration-conjured act only creates confusion, and essentially solves nothing. Then we not only have to deal with the close mindedness and corruption of real government, but also deal with the imaginary ones. Dismantling the SAC is not mutiny or angst-ridden rebellion; it’s common sense.
* general term referring to those individuals leashed - figuratively and/or literally - to Pirk or other members of the Clique.
Beat Poetry Corner*
Semi-semi-formal
Dinner served at half past six
The friendly flyer said
But not until the bell struck eight
Were we finally fed
The food looked good and smelled it too
But looks can be deceiving
My stomach lurched, turned and growled
In its own disbelieving
A group more joyful then myself
Were seated in behind
They drank their gin with little Coke
And butted into line
The music pounded constantly
Yet few did dare to dance
The ones who did were dressed in tweed
And oh-so-baggy pants
(drum solo)
A slow dance came ‘round once an hour
I’m quite sorry to say
The sprite was warm, the coke was sour
I’ve had some better days
The night was not quite up to par
The food was wet and runny
I realized, by much, by far
That I’d wasted my money.
*For best effect, this poem should be read in a smoke-filled, dingy room, filled with hipsters wearing black and sunglasses. If you intend to read this poem aloud, it is advised that you have a licensed Beatnik present at all times to supervise, and an ample supply of Balkan Sobranies in case of emergency. Ed.
He is the Law.
interview with the Crimestopper
I recently interviewed a Crimestopper insider to see what our people are doing. I think it’s safe to say that at least a general portion of the school see them as "Big Brother", or an extension of ratting people out, with the Crimestoppers playing mommy. Here is a glimpse into the world of Crimestoppers:
The basic Crimestoppers setup is a group of 10-15 students (no names, just tips), who have their own office, which is the headquarters for their operations. Activities in this office include the keeping of office supplies, and the Big Book o’ Crime, which gives the skinny on Woodlands underground. The occupation of these students is to receive crimes, decide which ones will be advertised, decide the reward, and raise funds. If you’re wondering , as I was, why all crimes do not go up, it is because most of the complaints come from bed-wetters who dropped their Snoopy pen in the photography room, and are now onvinced that there was a conspiracy from Day One to pilfer the pen from them. So is there serious crime at Woodlands? Ah yes. According to my sources, there have been seven since Crimestoppers was enacted last year, with break and enters leading the way with 3. One of those has been solved.
Strangely enough, the most visual crimes have not been sought after. Remember last year’s Music Room Heist, in which $2000 worth of goods was stolen? Never advertised. And what about the chaotic events last semester, when the boys locker room was raided, and an angry victim punched in a window, spreading blood throughout the halls? Never considered. Why? because, technically, those were not reported to Crimestoppers, therefore they do not post them. It should also be noted here that police were involved in these cases, but Crimestoppers usually corroborates with the boys in blue anyways, so what can you say? When confronted with the thought that posting these crimes would have been in the best interest of the school, the Crimestopper agreed it probably would have been. As for the people that reported crimes, or "tipsters", the payoff ranges from $10-$100. A rule has been imposed, stating that only drug and weapons related tips deserve more. The crimes are theoretically announced every 7 days, but even the Woodlands has its slow weeks. Fundraising has turned up about $500, with $50 going to office supplies. When asked if the signs around the school were good for anything besides being ripped down by the student body, the Crimestopper noted that announcements can only be made 3 times a week (just a rule the office has). Finally, I’d just like to ask all you fine outstanding folks...How long before we get an SAC Corruption number, ‘cause I got my speed-dial ready and set.
Sign of Evil
Pirk’s flashy sign prompts public outcry.
Below is a letter sent to the editor of the Mississauga News, published circa Feb. 16.
Pay close attention: "Misspending", "redundant", and "useless". Is this the message Norm was hoping to convey to the public when he and his goons decided to install a cheesy, bingo-night-esque, light-up school sign? Also, notice the sentence, "Now I am hesitant to contribute to any fundraising activity...". It seems that along with our useless school sign, we got an extra bonus gift. Not only does it report endearing messages such as "Good Luck on your exams", but it also serves as a means of demonstrating blatant misspending and the administration’s incompetence, along with diverting people from our fundraising efforts. Holy crappy deal, Batman. I mean, wouldn’t the school sign have been infinitely more meaningful if it had been the result of the combined forces of the Tech and Art departments? With all the bandsaws and AutoCad equipped supercomputers, you’d think they’d be able to design a decent school sign. Perhaps the administration should do a little more thinking the next time they decide to have such a massive erection, right in front of the school..
Picture Pages!
Well boys and girls, it’s that time of year again. (Cue the muffled drum roll and awed whispering audience.) It’s time for you to submit all of those pieces of artistic gold that you have been hiding away in your planner. That’s right, next issue will contain the best piece of planner art we receive. So, if you want to be part of this wonderful contest, please, submit your planner art (20 pieces per person MAX!) to one of the HTP crew. If you haven’t a clue who we are, pass it along to someone who might, and don’t forget to include your name, grade, locker number (and bay), so we can get the prizes rolling out. Speaking of prizes, you could win a sadly scratched-up Bay City Rollers Saturday Night 45, AND a genuine Polish donut!! So get scribbling for a chance to WIN BIG with HTP!!
I know it’s long over due and all, but here it is, your one chance at being a member of the Woodlands literary community. Just fill in the blanks and drop it off in the Woodchips Total Submission Box, , SAC lounge, Prefect Den or any other place you deem worthy. (fun!)
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Well, __________ really put his/her _____________ in his/her _____________ this time.
(circle one) (circle one)
First they tell us that we have to _______________________, and now they expect us to
__________________! Who the _______________________ do they think we are?
And as for the ______________, where do they get off __________________________?
It’s like we’re just ___________________ for them to _______________ with. If they
think we will _________________, they’ve got another thing coming, because we’re just
itching to _____________________. I say we ________________ them, once and for all.