Backlash against Pirk changes (x2)
SAC Yearbook fiasco
How to Use your Planner
Connect the Dots
What Happened To? (Snapple Machine, Cheerleaders)
Backlash Against Pirk's Proposed Changes
Ryan vs. Norm
Many of you have already seen the interview with Mr.Pirk in the recent issue of the Woodlands newspaper, and I for one don't remember being notified that Woodlands was being converted into a communist state. I would like to take this time to respond to some of our fuhrer's comments. First of all, concerning the dress code, the reasons for having one were totally ridiculous. According to Mr.Pirk, it will cut down on clothing costs, although he fails to realize that the students of Woodlands already wear clothes to school, and knowing him, he would probably charge $30.00 for a pair of "Ramsocks" anyway. So it really wouldn't be cheaper for students, it would just redirect the money to the Woodlands School so they could blow it all on another sign that would distinguish our school from the government file depot next door. Also, "It creates a sense of belonging and pride for the school", says Mr.Pirk. This is a good point. I have always hated being an individual with my own voice and opinions, and now that I have seen the light, I will strive to "belong" and conform to what everybody else thinks in order to have some "pride" in myself and my school. Finally, concerning the dress code, it will apparently enable the staff to "nail offenders". Where are we, fucking Nazi Germany? Will the opponents of the SAC be forced to wear black "x"s on their uniforms? Will there be a Woodlands Schutzstuffen roaming the hallways in search of non-conformers, ready to pounce on any poor individual who doesn't blend into the faceless mass that Mr. Pirk envisions? Will the Woodlands SS be wearing $120 "20-hole Ram Combat boots" when they kick the crap out of anyone who forgets to wear their "Ram boxer shorts" one day? I think Mr. Pirk would like that.
Another point ol' Normie wishes to make reality is compulsory community service for students. Funny, I always thought "volunteer work" required VOLUNTEERING for something, as opposed to having our diplomas withheld until we give into the extortion of Big Boss Pirk. I'm not saying that community service is a bad thing, but it shouldn't be an alternative to flunking high school. Of course, who cares about education when you are a better person and "fit in" with everybody else?
Finally, we are supposedly going to be forced to join clubs. If I wanted to be in a snotty clique, I'd run for executive council. I can only see this working if there was an "I hate clubs" club. I must finish this article before I am discovered by the Woodlands Gestapo, so please, be careful,and....ALL HAIL KING NORM!
Woodlands Academy? No Way!
What does the future hold for The Woodlands school? Good question. If you've read The-Paper-Formerly-Known-As-The-Graffiti, you may think this plan is a great idea. Have I got news for you. Turning the Woodlands into an academy will mean big changes. Here's the side of the story "Place Title Here" left out.
UNIFORMS: The way people dress is a unique way to express yourself. Taking away our right to wear what we want will make The Woodlands dull and bland. Also, think of the cost. The newspaper says it'll save us money. Yeah, right. We'd have to buy a whole new set of clothes, right from the school. Yes, the same people who sold us a year-book we didn't want for twenty bucks, and told us we were saving three dollars at the end, are going to sell us blazers, kilts and ties. Can you say "rip-off"? Maybe the SAC will try and pull the same scam they used with the year-books. With our uniforms, we might have to purchase an autographed Barry Manilow edition Eddie Bauer Gore-Tex Full-length overcoat (your choice of colours, brown or orange), for only an additional $329.99. Hey, you still save three bucks!
MANDATORY COMMUNITY SERVICE AND CO-OP:"Fifty hours community service" Sounds like a court sentence, doesn't it? How hard would you work at a job you were forced to do? Does Mr. Pirk pick the job, and the hours, for you? Is it legal to force a student to work against his or her will? If community service wasn't enough of a strain on your schedule, what about mandatory co-op? You could be slaving over a hot grill at Burger World instead of turning in your OAC English
essay. What will a semester of co-op do to students on the fast-track to university? Co-op and volunteering in the community are great for the student as well as great for the neighbourhood, but instead of forcing it on us, why not promote it in the school, or offer incentives to make it more attractive?
GRADE 11/12 LITERACY & NUMERACY TESTS:These tests are supposed to "ensure a basic level of competence in all students who are graduating. If the student fails these tests, they won't be allowed to graduate." Hey, doesn't that sound just like the final exams we have now? You know, the literacy test is kinda like the English exam, and the numeracy test is like the math exam, and if you fail your exams, you can't graduate. Oh, you want us to have extra tests? Okay, I get it now.
COMPULSORY INVOLVEMENT IN CLUBS: Most students are involved in clubs already. They don't have to be forced to do something they already want to do. If people don't want to get involved, it's their loss. It's easy to tell that the basic principle of The Woodlands Academy is forcing students to do things they don't want to do. Volunteering to help others, co-op programs, and school clubs are all great things. More people would get involved if these activities offered what the students wanted. Why not ask the student body what new school clubs they would like to see created and what co-op courses they would like to sign up for? How about using the in-school "Career Centre" to advertise volunteer jobs? There are better ways to get students involved in the community than ramming stuff we don't want down our throats.
The SAC/Yearbook Fiasco
the new math. This is the story of how the SAC took your money. They forced you to buy a yearbook (even if you did want one, the fact is you did not have a choice), and had the nerve to tell you that you were actually saving $3. Don’t let them get away with it. Don’t let the Woodlands "news"paper lull you into a dream-like state with candycoated explainations and carefully calculated pirkpaganda.
How to Use Your Planner
Convenient tips on how to get the most out of this little book.
PLEASE READ THROUGH THIS ARTICLE WITH YOUR PLANNER OPEN
Pg. 1
This page gives you all of the principal's (and vice-principal's) names, along with the school's address and telephone numbers. IMPORTANT : This information can be extremely useful for everything from bomb scares to all out shooting sprees, do not abuse these handy references. Also located on this page is an ingenious space labeled "This planner belongs to:" Handy Tip: Write your name here, you never know when you might forget your name, phone number or even where you live.
Pg. 6-42
The mother-lode! 36 pages of absolutely useless information for you to doodle on, write notes on and the size of these sheets make it perfect for miniature paper airplanes. Happy Flying!
Personal Planner Section
This section is virtually useless EXCEPT it is full of big colorful letters which can be cut out and sent (in threatening form, of course) to the SAC executive of your choice.
Study Guide
Sorry, had no time to go over, spent too much time reading "Time Management Skills".
A Political Map of the World
This is a wonderful tool for a high school student, not only does it tell you the country's name and other important geographical data, but what is really outstanding about it are - the clocks. If you ever need to know the time, just find your country, draw a straight line up and look at the top of your page. See! It's now 7:00 in Toronto!
Map of North America
Unfortunately, this map takes a lot of research to understand fully. It took me over twenty minutes to find that "on" meant Ontario and "oh" meant Ohio.
Career Preparation Guide
Finally! A truly useful piece of information. If you are truly an entrepreneur, just type out the resumes exactly as shown (changing the name if you like) and presto! Instant job-o! For all you non-typers or just plain lazy people, simply cut out the resume and send it in as is. Finally, the school is looking out for our needs.
Extras
There is a personal directory, great for keeping track of people's phone numbers, addresses and lethal allergies (yes, there is a heading for that). Also, there is a multiplication chart (damn those one times tables), a neat-o spiral thing holding it together, and last, but not least a handy dandy ruler. It's sharp edge is useful during Biology and Chemistry classes when you really need that trip to the hospital.
Editor’s Note: Legend has it that there is some section in the middle of the Pirk-o-Matic planner with a whole bunch of dates and lines to write In your homework and stuff. Details are sketchy at this time. We shoulld know more by next issue.
WHAT HAPPENED TO...
a column about things at the Woodlands that
have mysteriously disappeared....
...THE SNAPPLE MACHINE? This landmark of the cafe, dispenser of "the best stuff on earth", has been shut down. A prefect close to the Snapple program has said it is down for restocking, but with CANS instead of glass bottles. When asked for the reason for the switch, the prefect said Mr Pirk thinks the glass bottles are a safety hazard. I totally agree. Think of the hundreds of Woodlands students injured every day by bottles, the beverage container of the Devil. Each morning, I see some poor soul slumped over in the hall, bleeding to death and screaming in agony because he caught a broken glass bottle in his gut, slicing his innards into hamburger meat. Yes, switching to cans is a definite improvement to the Woodlands.
...THE CHEERLEADING SQUAD? At the pep rally, I noticed an emptiness I have never felt before. The band was still there, the football team was still there, but where were the Woodland's own award-winning cheerleaders. The cheerleaders used to put in long hours before school practicing and polishing their routines. I heard that (this is unconfirmed) Mr Pirk shut them down because he felt it was demeaning to women. Oh, sure, and football is demeaning to men. Let's shut it down too, just in case someone gets offended. Let's shut down the cafe while we're at it, because it doesn't serve the food I want. Close down the Moderns department and fire the teachers because it doesn't teach Urdu. Cheerleading is a serious sport, and shutting it down harms the spirit of the school.