White-Boy Friendly Commentary 
on the Recent Dance
Or
My Introduction to Bigotry

Submitted for Volume 3, Issue 2

As I entered the school cafeteria late Friday evening, it being laid out in preparation for the festivities crudely entitled 3rd Bass, I had no idea of the serious damage the evening’s events would deal to the liberal rhetoric I espouse so readily to those around me. I witnessed in horror as people of an ilk I can describe in no other way than living, breathing, walking, talking stereotypes shattered, in blow after deafening blow, every argument I had ever mustered in their defence. It must be noted that due to the "madcap misadventures" of this wayward group of people, the Woodlands will likely not have another dance, at least for a prodigious amount of time. 

The dance floor was dominated by those of a similar national background, evidenced by the fact that they seemed to be in the midst of a patriotic fervour, were carrying the flag of Trinidad and waving it around like it was some sort of talisman that improved their dancing ability. They also all seemed to enjoy the exact same sort of music, as multitudinous cheers arose from their ranks when the Wu-Tang Clan, Buju Banton, Chaka Demus & Pliers, Puff Daddy, and the Notorious B.I.G. began to play. Up till this point in the description of course, the group has not done anything to disparage its reputation, but you shall find that their enormous acts of self-defamation were just about to occur. First, as their beloved reggae music came to a halt, and a live act, aptly titled Double Dragon, began to play, jeers immediately issued from the "Trinibagan" crowd. They did not even bother to listen to the music before ridiculing the performers and telling them to "get the fuck home." Now I would have been able to chalk this insensitivity up as an isolated incident, had it not been for the crude and insulting manner in which they treated the next performer, who was in fact the main act of the dance. The "Caribbean" crowd left the cafeteria-come-dance floor without even giving the performer a chance (who, by the way, rocked the house, tore the roof off, and turned that mutha out), thus forcing the organisers of the dance to pull him off and replace his music, which was a refreshing change, with the bass-laden, deadeningly similar, reggae/rap played by the DJ’s so faithfully favoured by the "Trinibagan" crew. This rejection of "different" types of music lead me to a hypothesis: that these "coolies" have no will of their own, and that they are literally unable to like a song unless it has previously been featured on "Da Mix" or on WBLK radio. 

 My opinion of this group of people would not have been laid so low had it not been for the maddeningly immature way in which they conducted themselves during the dance proceedings. First of all, a fight broke out between two of these "coolies" on the dance floor, apparently between a girl’s brother and her boyfriend. Then, some shit-for-brains cock face punched through a plate of glass in one of the front doors, as you may have noticed. For what reason, I am unable to relate, for it was clearly done out of stone cold stupidity, perhaps enhanced by some good "Mexican brown." Of supreme importance in my judgement that this group was definite proof for the value of eugenics was the fact that apparently, one of them brought a gun to the school! Maybe it’s just me, but I wasn’t aware that middle class, suburban Mississauga had suddenly turned into Compton. Maybe we should all go out and start packing 9mm’s, if this is the type of behaviour that goes on in a high school dance. I mean, that’s what really puts the whole affair into perspective. The fact that a fight, vandalism, and the presence of a deadly weapon all occurred at a simple dance. As Mary Gross once said, I’m hoppin’ mad now. The way in which these "refugees" acted was insulting, as it not only shall provide fodder for racist rhetoric within the school against immigrant groups (you just know the type of shit-headed, know-nothing comments that are probably already making the token rounds out at the pit), but also against today’s youth. If we can’t appear to behave properly at a dance, where can we be expected to be civil? I’ll tell you, these motherfuckers are ruining it for everybody, and we should get together some sort of big fuckin’ lynch mob, and pop a bunch a caps in dey asses. Fuck. 
 

Why we didn't print it: It was pretty racist, and not really all 
that relavant. While some might interpret the racist undertones as some 
kind of high concept satire of racism and shock journalism, as I am told 
they were itended to be, most students would probably take them at face 
value and be deeply offended. Eliminating this kind of writing isn't censorship, its common sense.